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The road was narrow and winding, and on either side of us the dark, stripped branches of trees lashed back and forth, like the wind had set them dancing.Įlody put on “Splinter” by Fallacy to piss Ally off, maybe because she was sick of her whining. Lindsay and Elody were smoking, and freezing rain was coming in through the cracked-open windows. Lindsay picked finding out that she got into Duke, obviously, and Ally-who was bitching about the cold, as usual, and threatening to drop dead right there of pneumonia-participated long enough to say she wished she could relive her first hookup with Matt Wilde forever, which surprised no one. I was trying to explain my “greatest hits” theory of death, and we were all picking out what those would be. She kept leaning forward into the front seat to scroll through Lindsay’s iPod, even though I was supposed to have deejay privileges. I don’t remember exactly how it came up, except that Elody was complaining that I always got shotgun and refusing to wear her seat belt. One time, our freshman year, Vicky brought it up at a party-we were all pretty tipsy-and we laughed and laughed, Vicky most of all, until her face turned almost as purple as it had all those years ago in the gym.Įven weirder than that was the fact that we’d all just been talking about it-how it would be just before you died, I mean. They played field hockey together and said hi in the halls. Vicky wasn’t very fat to begin with-she just had some baby weight on her face and stomach-and before high school she’d lost that and grown three inches. The whole point of growing up is learning to stay on the laughing side. It happens every day, in every school, in every town in America-probably in the world, for all I know.
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There’s always going to be a person laughing and somebody getting laughed at. That’s just the kind of thing that kids do to each other. It’s not like Vicky was traumatized or anything.
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It was one of those memories I didn’t even know I remembered, if you know what I mean. The weird thing is that I hadn’t thought about that in forever. That’s what I remembered in that before-death instant, when I was supposed to be having some big revelation about my past: the smell of varnish and the squeak of our sneakers on the polished floor the tightness of my polyester shorts the laughter echoing around the big, empty space like there were way more than twenty-five people in the gym. “You could hit her with your eyes closed.” I wasn’t friends with Lindsay yet, but even then she had this way of saying things that made them hilarious, and I laughed along with everyone else while Vicky’s face turned as purple as the underside of a storm cloud. Specifically, I thought of the time in fourth grade when Lindsay announced in front of the whole gym class that she wouldn’t have Vicky on her dodgeball team. I didn’t even think of my family, or the way the morning light turns the walls in my bedroom the color of cream, or the way the azaleas outside my window smell in July, a mixture of honey and cinnamon. I didn’t think of all the outrageous things I’d done with my friends. The truth is, though, I wouldn’t have minded reliving my greatest hits: when Rob Cokran and I first hooked up in the middle of the dance floor at homecoming, so everyone saw and knew we were together when Lindsay, Elody, Ally, and I got drunk and tried to make snow angels in May, leaving person-sized imprints in Ally’s lawn my sweet-sixteen party, when we set out a hundred tea lights and danced on the table in the backyard the time Lindsay and I pranked Clara Seuse on Halloween, got chased by the cops, and laughed so hard we almost threw up-the things I wanted to remember the things I wanted to be remembered for.īut before I died I didn’t think of Rob, or any other guy. I’d be happy to forget all of fifth grade, for example (the glasses-and-pink-braces period), and does anybody want to relive the first day of middle school? Add in all of the boring family vacations, pointless algebra classes, period cramps, and bad kisses I barely lived through the first time around… Some things are better left buried and forgotten, as my mom would say. To be honest, I’d always thought the whole final-moment, mental life-scan thing sounded pretty awful. They say that just before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes, but that’s not how it happened for me.